Dawn

People normally wake up feeling hungry and uncertain. Then they get some breakfast, remember their day's schedule and the whole day gets properly started.

This project I'm embarking on now feels to me exactly like a morning. I'm hungry for it to work out a success, yet I feel so uncertain as to which way it will go. Like any day in anyone's life, it could dawn sunny but be monsoon-soaked by afternoon. The right word for how I'm feeling, I suppose, is 'trepidation' because it has the right mix of fear and worry implied within it. Yet, the very fact that I'm posting these words up right now must mean that I feel hope despite all my 'trepidation'. 

I suppose it's a trait common to the female kind. The closer something is to our heart the more afraid we become for it. Anyone studying overseas but in an ldr but understand that feeling: the wish to bring the person missed to the place where he/she has been most missed. As if that act would make up for all the times they've been missed and all the aching loneliness once felt would be erased and annulled. It is the most satisfying feeling any person who's missing another person could feel. My parents have visited me a couple of times and each time the joy is so complete that I'm almost glad to have been apart from them just so I could appreciate them more wholly. 

From the moment my boyfriend and I officially started our relationship, I wondered if he would visit me here in the UK. Our instances are special, I think, because we started becoming close after I left Singapore and got together during one of my brief visits home. The luxury of knowing the object of your affects, and the one of whose affections you are the object, is actually in the same country as you was always simply that: a luxury. I left him soon after we got together and those first few days when I was his girlfriend were also the days when we talked the least, out of necessity (I was in the UK and he was in Brunei on an army related thing). I dreamt a lot of silly dreams then. That maybe he'd surprise by just turning up on my English doorstep one day. Or maybe the next time we talked he'd make some crazy promise to visit me on a whim. I wanted to hint, the way girls do, at these secret dreams of mine but I knew, and I still know, that would be unfair. He can't afford it and I can't afford it for him either, so what's the point in asking?

But now he actually has made me some crazy promise and is attempting to do something equally crazy to fulfill it!

I'm so glad we're doing this together, this project. I so much hope that he Will Travel For Love, by love (or whatever we should call this mutual fondness we share), but for now the knowledge that he's made such a sincere and sincerely outrageous commitment for 'us' is enough to make me very very happy. Part of me wants to end off by saying something like: 'us working together on such a project is enough for me' or 'I can't ask any more of him than that he try, and he has' but that would be extremely unfaithful. I think I've now decided, though I was as yet undecided at the beginning of writing this, that will put my heart on the line and confess that I secretly believe this will succeed. I want to be realistic to protect both of us from disappointment and I'm honestly uncertain and afraid but I will hope for my dreams to come true. We're young and think we're in love and want to see new things together; I can be an adult in ten years, for now, I'd just be a wuss if I believed in anything less than success.